Has your heart rate increased? Do you get sweaty palms? Butterflies in the stomach? Sorry to break it to you but… you’ve probably got a bad case of ‘the feels’.
This unavoidable torture occurs most commonly over the Christmas break, thanks to films such as ‘Love Actually’ and ‘The Holiday’ which may lead you to crave a significant other.
If you catch ‘the feels’ like I catch ‘the feels’, then you will find yourself transforming into an absolute fairy: spooning over-the-top, soppy phrases and compliments onto ‘bae’s plate, and having a sudden urge to squeeze them inhumanly tight. Note: other fairies may vary.
Below is a step-by-step guide on how not to deter ‘bae’ with handy tips to aid and equally disguise your obsessive stalking. However, it has been 18 years and still no boys have shown up with placards on my doorstep, so proceed with caution.
DO NOT REFER TO THEM AS ‘BAE’. The more you use this unforgivable word, the more friends you will lose. The more friends you lose, the more unpopular you become. The more unpopular you become, the less attractive you are. It’s scientific fact.
KEEP CALM AND COMPOSE YOUR VOICE. In the presence of
‘bae’ you-know-who, your voice will most probably become unstable and squeaky. This may take you back to your puberty days, but alas, don’t run away. Form every word in your brain before it comes out of your mouth (take this as general life advice as well) and lower your voice a little. Deeper voices are sexier, right?
LAUGHING ETIQUETTE. Some people are nervous laughers. Some females giggle way too much at everything boys say because they want the boy to think that she finds him funny so this will flatter him and consequently he will want to marry her and have babies. Frankly, this is illogical and kind of creepy, so girls, please. Sure, it’s polite to titter at his/her comments, but practise doing this lightly on your own to make it into a habit. Laughing too hard may make you look too keen and keen is BAD in the relationship world.
DO NOT BE KEEN. Only put one ‘x’ at the end of texts, unless they increase it. Don’t double text. Wait at least 5 minutes to reply. Don’t ‘like’ their social media posts until they’re at least 10 minutes old. Don’t ‘like’ every post. Don’t Snapchat AND tweet AND text AND Facebook message them. Use only one form of communication per day, unless they initiate otherwise. Let them be in control. Easy peasy.
DO NOT BE MEAN. No ‘seeing and not replying’ please thank you. Offer the odd compliment. You CAN text first. But not too often. Play it cool.
STALKING ETIQUETTE. Scroll through Instagram very slowly to avoid double taps. Only put your finger on the white bits in-between images. Only access Twitter on a legit computer or laptop. We don’t want to accidentally follow them. TIP: their Twitter username is probably the same as their Instagram. You can find them on Instagram through Facebook. Sorted.
If any male friends of mine are reading this and you feel it applies to you, I assure you it does not. Denial and secrecy is key when it comes to pursuing a new love interest.
By all means you can stalk MY Instagram however: @nxttgrxxn
10 points to the person who finds the picture of me dressed as a fairy.
I look forward to hearing all your success stories and being invited to baby showers.
….. And a Happy New Year.